Widow's Words

Real Voices and Conversations

2009-05-07T08:04:00.000-07:00

I have stopped checking caller ID. The phone rings and I immediately pick it up to talk. I really want to have a conversation with someone; hear a voice. Have I become that elderly woman who yearns to talk and hear any one's voice that they start ordering from those sales calls? OK maybe its not that bad. It is not that I don't have plenty of contact with people but it is all about text messages and email and yes we keep up by Facebook. Now those who know me acknowledge that there is no one who likes her gadgets and technology more than I do; and maybe it is a real sign that I am saying the good old land line has its place.

A widow I know who just got engaged to be married told me you will know you have met the right person when you can't get off the phone. When you just want to keep talking. I guess that means the first step is meeting someone who is still makes phone calls. You meet online in catalog dating. Picture shopping. Then you email a bit and even set up your first meeting over email. Texting and emailing like 15 year olds. Even sending an email, "thanks but I don't think this is going anywhere" . How juvenile. So I am making more lunch dates and breakfasts and doing my best to see my friends. And while some are getting rid of their land lines I will try and use mine reach out and touch my friends.

Dates and Dating

2009-04-22T16:08:00.000-07:00

It has been an incredibly busy time. But I always make sure my life is that way. It is difficult to let your real feelings creep in and affect you when you are so busy you can barely think. So staying busy has been one thing I do very well. Once I decided that I was going to start to "date" I did it will full force and precision. I got excellent professional pictures done. I went on an internet dating site and was going to find that golfer to fill the void. Not to replace Michael or what we had but to fill the emptiness and TV filled evenings. Indeed it was a full time job practically; answering emails, chatting and interviewing on the telephone. A wine date or coffee date? The second or third date has to be on the golf course. The thick skin I developed wasn't thick enough and there was still hurt again. But just opening yourself up to someone...well of course there is hurt.

I filled my time with golf and golf team, Hadassah and looking at real estate. I took a second cruise through the Panama Canal. I had my kids home for the Jewish holidays and everyone was together... then it was springtime. It was then that the Dates and Dating collided. New tears and new sadness emerged like the leaves...what gives here. Shoot I thought I had a good handle on all this..Was is it just spring and the upcoming graduation of my son Casey without his Dad, or another wedding anniversary or just the fact that coming up onto two years since I became a widow and my children have lost their Dad things really aren't any easier. OK maybe I have my routine; but what was novel and different has become tiring and lonely. The part that began with I can be strong and do this on my own has turned to much self doubt. Am I making the right decision? What would Michael have done here? Dates like opening day of baseball season and tax day hit harder this year than last. I remember many people telling me how the second year could be worse than the first. Definitely not what you want to hear as you struggle with your grief the first year. Are these dates worse? Well let's say they are not as easy as I thought they would be now. Does my dating make the dates worse... is that survivors guilt I am having make my dating harder? Is it that dating makes my grief worse as I get close to these anniversary dates? Yes probably all of these things. I have allowed myself to cry more; like I ever stopped...well I did stop for awhile but sure I always allowed myself to feel those things. I just was surprised and didn't quite understand how profound these feeling would be now.

Dates aren't always just sad reminders of the things we suffered through. They are also the reminders of the good things, birthdays, graduations, holidays together at home and yes, dates are also an occasion to meet someone new. To make new friends and work at continuing to move forward. I need to continue to build that new life...a day, a date at a time.

Girlfriends and New Friends

2009-02-08T07:11:00.000-08:00

At the end of a golf trip to Palm Springs with girlfriends …women I had never really traveled with before I was realizing the phases we go through in life and how each of them seem to be defined by a stage and each in turn seems to have friends associated with them. Sure I know people whose friends have been a constant; they seem to be the ones who grew up and still live in the same place. But if you have gone through a lot of changes as I have well the landscape has changed and so have the friends. For awhile in the last year…being a widow I was truly saddened that so many people who at one time meant a lot to me were no longer more a big part of my life. Various reasons I guess and I think fault can be placed with all parties. But there were those single friends and college friends and then everything changed when you had children. There were the couples who also had kids the same age. It was great to do things together, we were at the same parties, school events and those friends became family and often for those of us in Los Angeles without family around it was our friends we called upon when there was an emergency or problem. You knew who you could turn to. Our kids grew and sometimes the kids grew apart as friends but we as parents still liked to play together. Then there were business friends. Couples you saw because of business but you enjoyed and had dinners and went to concerts together. These friends may not have had children the same age but there were other commonalties. So going into this second year of widowhood, I look at this phase of my life; my children independent and gone from home. I am grateful for the couples that have been there for me throughout all my phases and this most challenging time I am playing golf more and not working now; finding single friends and people who have the freedom to do the things I am doing now. I have a few other friends who are widows and single and it helps to discuss the challenges we face. But none of us are really that alike in situation each is different. So I look now at who my friends are…who I am telling my secrets to and it is very different. My life is very different, more so than I ever could have imagined. So too are my friends now and as I move to the next step, dating and thinking about bringing someone else into my life I am constantly surprised by it all. It is indeed something that takes attention and effort.

A New Year

2009-01-16T12:02:00.000-08:00

It is hard to believe it is now 2009. The weeks have flown. At times I feel like I am moving forward and then something stops me and it is a little step backwards. I took an amazing cruise from Barcelona to Lisbon. It was the prefect way to travel alone and I think made giant steps forward. There was always something happening, cocktail parties and wine tastings and exciting excursions ashore. I made wonderful new friends, played great golf in wonderful exotic places. I spent two amazing days in Lisbon with wonderful friends I met on the cruise ship. I truly took big steps towards coming out of myself. Spending an evening or two on the arm of a gentlemen got me to thinking that maybe I do want to find someone to spend time with...yes I can take care of myself but weekends can get mighty lonely. So this led to the next step of a date. No in order to get a date you have to put yourself out there. Not like at my age it is easy to meet people. So there was the profile and picture and then email exchanges. Then phone conversations and then the feeling you were 15 again. Would I know what to say? Would I know what to ask? Do I even know what I am looking for in a man? After being with one man for over 25 years it seems hard to even consider another. You look at the photos and the answers to the questions..wait where did they get that picture? What made them think that was the one to post. Who are these guys? It is all a little scary and then gives you a little confidence boost. I am independent and secure. Someone is interested in you. I guess I thought at my age all the men where looking for younger women. So I try a few coffee or wine dates. Some make it to another and then maybe golf. It's brutal in some ways. Either they like you and and you don't or you like them and they don't...see like high school again and you have to develop a thick skin. Don't get your hopes up and don't get disappointed.

Maybe it is not about dating or finding a man to spend time with, maybe it is about figuring out what I am going to do to fill the days and weekends. The beginning of 2009. I had a nice trip to Cancun with the kids. The holidays were harder than I expected.Thought I was stronger, thought I was ready but I was not. Not prepared for the hole and the happy families all around me. We are a happy family just have to get used to being just the 4 of us. So as 2009 continues a new President. A new cruise..a trip to Costa Rica and the Panama Canal. And maybe a few more dates.

The Rain in Spain

2008-10-29T06:57:00.000-07:00

Finally I am seated in the nose section of a 747, there are just 12 seats maybe in KLM Business World they call it. There are more seats in the 747 upstairs section but I am downstairs right in the nose and it is very cozy and space age. The moment of departure had finally arrived…we were given champagne and I got teary. Was it why I was going, the circumstances, would this have been the trip we would have gone on with Marissa safely at college and both of us now empty nesters? I notice the couples across from me. (It will turn out they too are going to Barcelona and to the same ship) I am surprised at how this bothers me, not that it bothers me but that it still is there, this noticing all the couples and the sadness it brings on in me. I keep thinking I have past it but no. I make a promise to myself to get over it. At least for now, one of the reasons for this trip is to grow into this role of being one and lamenting that I am no longer part of a couple is not going to get me anywhere. Ok so maybe it will be harder than I thought, a challenge I think I am ready to try, oh what a place to start.
I arrived in Barcelona Tuesday, October 28 in a downpour. I was met at the airport by Cruise Line reps and a handsome driver took me to the Majestic Hotel in the Center of Barcelona. I was pushing my body clock and able to stay awake until almost 9pm. Not before having my first glass of Cava (tapas tonight) Then after watching BBC interview some college students in Pennsylvania about the election (I can’t stay away from it)So much on the BBC about the American Election..history in the making they say. I fell asleep to the pounding rain.
Wednesday, the 29th I took a half day tour of Barcelona with other guests of Fine Wine Voyages. The rain and the cold have put quite a damper but I was glad to be on a nice warm bus than the open tourist buses so many had recommended. Everyone says the weather was just beautiful yesterday but then the sky opened up. We got off at a number of locations and toured the big cathedral, the Olympic village and stadiums and even got to the old synagogue being restored. The three hour tour gave quite a good overview of the city and the guide was very good and full of historical knowledge and taught us much about the customs of Spain. Dropped back at the hotel in the early afternoon the weather has put a damper on my exploring too much on foot this afternoon. I am regrouping and warming up hoping to catch a cab over to the Casa Décor Interior Design show where a new acquaintance’s sister is showing. Tomorrow at noon I head to the cruise ship Crystal Serenity.

New York, Colorado...on to Spain

2008-10-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

Ok so this time I didn't even fully unpack...Olean had the most stunning fall colors I have ever remembered seeing. Vivid reds and yellows and golds everywhere and unseasonably warm temperatures made for a beautiful few days in Upstate New York. I forgot how beautiful fall in the East could be...but don't worry I remember how bad winter can be too. Small town restaurants and family dinners for 30. It was great seeing everyone. I even got to do a ride along in a police car with my brother in law as he patrolled Allegany one night. The local college kids were gone for the weekend so the most interesting action was deer crossing. But it was cool and Tim is always great to discuss the status of life. After a early morning drive back to Buffalo in a driving rain storm...you know when we go 6 months in LA without rain you can forget how it is to drive in the stuff...it was off to Boulder, Colorado to see Marissa for parents weekend. Marissa was at her new Sorority house so I got a tour and met her "big sister". I never was involved with anything like sororities or even the right clique so I have little advice here but she seems very excited about the whole thing. The house is beautiful and everyone seems very nice. We picked up where we left off with shopping and a run to Target for snacks. We got to enjoy a great dinner with the Collins family and daughter Allison who is a sophomore at Boulder, I hadn't seen them since Michael died and Marissa had gotten lots of advice from Allison. Then of course my second college football game this time the home team won. It was a beautiful evening and great to see Marissa settling into college and her new friends. She has a wonderful roommate and truly likes Boulder and at the same time has learned to appreciate some of the comforts she left behind. It is good I think to leave and to learn to value what is here at home.

But now I am sitting here typing when I should be packing. I am about to undertake the biggest journey I have attempted in the last 16 months of being a widow. I have extended myself and tested myself. But this this is out there , I leave on Monday the 27th for Barcelona...I will spend two nights there and then board the ship Crystal Serenity..by myself. Truly an indulgence, a test, an adventure. I go from shear excitement to nervousness to feeling guilty. I bought a journal with the cover "Love who you are" Well here is to figuring out a little of who I am..or how about just relaxing, drinking, eating and oh, yes playing golf on some of the most amazing Spanish golf courses. I will be cruising for 11 days including Casablanca (on election day..I already voted) and the Canary Islands. I end up in Lisbon on the 11th of November and return to Los Angels on the 13th. I will plan to write about my trip. I really do not know what to expect on my very first cruise, my coming out of sorts. I have gotten lots of advice let's see what happens. Stay tuned

Travel Notes

2008-10-12T08:04:00.000-07:00

Time to document some of the constant traveling I have been doing. It has been a great diversion and quite productive too. Whether it has been to Portland and the beautiful drive to the Oregon shore or back to Buffalo to visit family or Hawaii II have made maybe four trips up to Yachats, Oregon and its been a tough and expensive transformation but it is beautiful and we are very proud of the finished product. You can view pictures at www.yachats-vacation-rental.com or at www.vrbo.com/199593
Currently I am doing a 10 day trip to visit the kids at their respective colleges and my parents. Friday I flew to Madison and took Casey and 7 of his hungry friends to a steak dinner. The next day, Casey had made tee times and we had a little mini-scramble tournament. The weather was an unseasonably warm 80 degrees in Madison, Wisconsin and the leaves were just beginning to turn reds and golds. Casey and I lost by a stroke but I had the added handicap of playing with a set of borrowed clubs. Saturday night was a first as I attended the Wisconsin- Penn football game (my first college football game). It was quite the event, the whole city turned out in red, and tailgaters with big screen TVs and satellite dishes. It was a terrible loss for the Badgers but I enjoyed the game and got to hear the antics of the student section.
Casey is doing well in Madison, his business Straight2Your Door is up and running. School is going well and he is graduating in May. Look forward to going back. He is probably spending some of the summer until he has someone to take over the business. It is a beautiful city and I will definitely come visit again and play more golf.
Now I am off to Buffalo, Olean specifically and a visit to my family before flying to Boulder and visiting Marissa for Family Weekend. I will see my second college game next weekend. Counting the days also until I leave on my cruise. I leave for Barcelona on the October 27 and an 11 day cruise (by myself) that ends in Lisbon. But I will continue to blog about my travels and the cruise. Now it is on the family gathering in Olean and some Beef on Wick.

Next Steps

2008-10-07T20:29:00.000-07:00

Moving along, taking new steps...counting the days until my cruise(25 days). I am taking a cruise. Never been on one and when I got an invitation in the mail from a winery that was having a "fine wine cruise" I was intrigued. Spain, Casablanca, the Canary Islands places I had never been. The next month there was an article in a golf magazine talking about the best golf theme cruises..well the same ship, the same itinerary was mentioned. OK maybe a sign..but this was the one..leaving October 27, Marissa settled into college and yes I am an empty nester. Having something to look forward to has been very helpful and I am sure most of my friends will be glad when I go. They are probably tired of hearing about it.

So as with all of our earlier trips as a family I began planning. Preparing for a trip is half the fun. Researching and working on my golf game..of course and planning the wardrobe. Am I really doing this alone? If I waited to find someone to go where I wanted when I wanted..well seize the day. I almost changed my mind when I realized I would be in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea on election day. But absentee ballot..(please let Obama win) and if the unthinkable happens at least I will have good food and good drink and can drown my sorrows.

But moving along in the second year..I have also ended my membership in a number of online brain tumor support groups. What an amazing thing the internet; the ability to instantly to reach out to others going through the same horrific disease. A place to find answers and understand and learn about treatment. After Micheal's death there were some things I could add to the conversation online but in truth it was hard. Watching the notices of more and more lives lost to this disease. As a nurse I felt guilty not helping more..but it was time to take a step away. Step forward and do more of that self care I had taught to other caregivers.

I attended a fundraiser at UCLA for the Neuro Oncology department and their program for brain cancer research. They are doing so much and I want to be sure that others may get better treatments and will be able to live longer and better. I will work with them in the coming year.

I am rambling a bit as I try to figure my next steps and feel confident and strong. Its lonely and a bit scary at times. I have figured out a few of those steps but having no one to cheer you on, tell you its the right choice or pat you on the back or encourage you.

Empty Nest

2008-09-06T21:46:00.000-07:00

As I write tonight it is my daughters 18th birthday. It's hard not to think back, to think about what it was like 18 years ago the day our baby girl came into the world, tonight we are separated, she has started college 4 states away.

But I still stutter and stumble along. At times I am confident and feel ready for what is ahead. I went out to dinner alone the other night. I travel, eat out, I got that down. I am counting the days until I leave on a 12 cruise from Barcelona to Lisbon. It will be my first cruise and a solo one a that.

But as with all things it is a few steps forwards and then a few backwards. After getting Marissa settled at college I came home to one migraine after another and ended up in the hospital. My migraines sometimes leave me unable to speak..(I still don't recall that Monday and the ambulance that took me to the hospital) but the independent Mom now had her 23 year old son calling the shots at the hospital. Nick was wonderful and stayed by my side all night, again I am in awe of this adult he has grown into; and shudder at the fact that in an emergency..well now it is my son, my children who are here for me and I am grateful. But it takes some adjusting.

As Mom's we read many articles about empty nest and thought about what it would be like when our last child went off to college. I know Michael and I talked about it quite a bit...but now it has happened and of course like most things it is nothing like you think it will be. Maybe that is one of my biggest realizations; nothing is what you think it will be. It is not Michael and I figuring our future without kids at home; it is Karen designing a new life and none of it is what I thought it would be. But I have learned to take it slower, enjoy it all and don't wait (maybe that is mhy I seem to be rushing around so much) By traveling so much I feel I am escaping the lonliness at home. There has been this path leading up to my daughters departure, its like now the next part begins for me, but what? It's harder than I thought, everyone said time would make it easier...well no, it doesn't. So I look to making plans and reaching out.

Newspapers and Tears

2008-08-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

People like to tell you there will always be something of your beloved spouse in you. OK maybe I have even told the children that many times but sometimes it surprises you what that little something is and how little it takes to set off the tears. How can bringing in the newspaper bring you to tears?

Last night was Barack Obama's historic speech. What an amazing, moving moment. For some reason the LA Times wasn't delivered this morning. So after the phone callto customer service it arrived within 30 minutes (great customer service..I guess they need to in this market; do I get it delivered to my door or to my Kindle) But it was when I brought it in, saw the headline that the tears started. Michael had a habit of saving all the newspapers from historic events. Not one of my favorite things..I imagined our kids cleaning out the house one day and digging through rooms and rooms of yellowed old newspapers as they explained, "why did they save all this sh-t!"

Sure I cried and missed him terribly as I moved our baby girl into college. But he was the guy that cried at AT&T commericials, he would have so loved this election and now throw in an Alaskan as the Republican VP, oh my. (Michael started in Alaskan politics before I knew him) I realize how much I miss him now. There are just too many things I miss sharing. That's what it is, the middle of this journey. I feel like there are still too many new experiences, just when you think after 15 months there can't be too many more firsts. You realize oh dear some of the seconds and thirds will hurt too. I can be very brave and talk about all I am doing, and going and planning. But there are times like bring a really cool newspaper in that you just wish you weren't alone.

Saying good bye

2008-08-24T15:03:00.000-07:00

Saying goodbye…I moved my youngest daughter into her college dorm last week. Having done this twice before with my sons and the help of my late husband, I thought I had it down and was prepared. This was a very new and difficult experience. Marissa and I were coming from emotional places.

I was sure I was ready for her to go; she is so independent in many ways and so looking forward to moving on to this next phase. I had practiced these speeches in my mind late at night over and over. I had many wise words of wisdom. But I knew to keep the advice short and sweet, don’t go on too long or you will lose her interest. We had spent over 9 hours together on Thursday. Getting her room set up and making a run to Staples and Bed and Bath for forgotten items. There were so many clothes to put away in such a little room. Mom ,the computer geek set up the printer and the internet for both girls. With her roommate, roommate's parents and two siblings in the room I didn’t get into the goodbye’s and the speeches so rehearsed. Then there was a dorm meeting at 6:30 and I left exhausted leaving our goodbye for the next morning.

But in the end our good-bye was a two minute hug in front of the dorm while exchanging the last minute Target purchases. There was little time for speeches as she was on to a 9am meeting. So much I wanted to tell her and remind her…but I could just repeat how much I loved her and how proud I was of her. I could not get anything else out. She had been such an amazing presence the last few years as her Father was ill. How special she was to her Dad. (and to me!!!) Tears for both of us. As much as I have told myself how excited I was for her, to have this opportunity to experience college away, to grow and experience new things, you thing you are prepared for you are not.

Then the reality hits. I fly home to Los Angeles, I get a sweet appreciative message thanking me for my help after I land…and more tears. I am home and home indeed to a big empty house. Then what seemed like just the next inevitable step of growth for both my daughter and I suddenly seems like a tremendous hurdle. How did I not cherish everyone of those last few days…because neither of us will be the same. I am so very proud of who she is and can’t wait to see her for family weekend in October.

She will adjust to college and I will adjust to the empty nest. Never quite got that phrase...my house has been strangly quiet and lonely for a while.

Taking a Hobby

2008-08-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

One of the problems with taking up a hobby full time as a widow is that you use it to fill this huge void in your life. Now if this passion is golf then it will take up all your time...which is good because it cuts very much into shopping and retail therapy that had taken up most of last year. We won't go right now into how much you can actually spend and shop on golf equipment and how important the right club (read new clubs are to your game) and of course the whole emotional importance of looking good. Very, very important if you are not playing well to indeed look very sharp and pulled together. But if you know of someone who plays than you have some idea of the depth of the mess I have gotten myself into. I have tried to explain my passion a few times to people who haven't played or "gotten" golf and it is hard . Bear with me here. Sure the courses are beautiful and nature surrounds you everywhere...including coyotes and hawks. Every hole is an individual challenge and even playing the same course every week is different. Different conditions, you land the ball different places it is always new. It is something Michael and I shared a love for, something that was ours that I can still do. But if you haven't played and understood it..how do you explain to someone coming back to a game that has brought you to tears. Shooting, that's scoring the best game of your life then coming out the next time and feeling like you had never hit a ball before. Golf is very frustrating like that...you know you can do it, you know you did it before, just not today.

Where I need to start saving for sports therapy here is that fact that this is my life now...this is where I have invested my time and expectations for myself. It is too easy for my day to day happiness to ride on the flight of a little white ball. Or even more painfully the lip out of a putt, over and over again. As my athletic kids say, "Mom how can you practice so much and not get any better?" Why do I do that to myself, let my joy ride on the numbers on a score card. Well, accepting you have a problem is half the battle so I am trying go with the flow more trying not to take it to heart. You would think that after 10 plus years playing I would get the part about letting go ...let go of the bad and allow the good, enjoy the good shots even when there are less of them. Yes, I know I have a problem , I have way too many pairs of golf shoes and I am way too hard on myself.

Oh and for the record I have lowered my handicap 5 strokes since last spring...something is working. Anyone ready? A dollar a hole?

Introductions

2008-08-09T20:09:00.000-07:00

A Party...I went to a birthday party, I knew just the host and hostess. Another first and a trial run for my upcoming solo cruise in October. Here I was with a house full of people who really didn't know who I was or the answer to that ever popular question"what do you do". Of course at something like this it is more like how do you know the host? I could easily define my self as Maya's godmother and explain how I knew the birthday boy (her Dad). But it was the further discussions and those pesky pronouns that kept getting in the way. As a new widow you find yourself stumbling over words like "our" and "my" when talking about your children and "we " when there is no more we. But how do you stop and explain all that. It feels so unnatural. When you have first met someone ...it does bring things to a complete halt when you mention that you are a widow, now all of a sudden they are feeling sorry for you and of course there is another death they want to talk about and soon you are just talking about death or cancer or how terribly sad my life is...have another glass of wine.

It is like I am in a play..I am watching it from someplace else and I need to rehearse these lines. The lines I need to give when I am alone or solo. Lines about me, what I am doing and where I am going. There is this new life unfolding and in it I am indeed someone new. A new person, a solo person...solo for some reason seems better than single, more mature and respectable. Swinging singles, hot singles...solo that's me, alone and solo.

How Does That Happen

2008-07-29T17:15:00.000-07:00

As I continue to figure out the mechanics of this blog ..note photo of kids added later than post..I thought I would write a bit about Nick, Casey and Marissa. I know I am blessed and believe me if I knew what Michael and I did right in parenting I would write on how to turn out nice kids. They are terrific. But what I am adjusting to right now; on top of all else is the way you turn around one day and these grown people are suddenly standing in front of you. What a shock it is.

Nick just a few months out of college after losing his Dad is heading out to work in a suit and tie. (After picking out all of Dad's very best ties.) He's calling on his way home from work and doing grocery shopping and changing light bulbs with out anyone asking. Recently after a commercial was shot here and some damage was caused..Nick was all over the discussions to get things right. Making calls, and making his expectations well know in a highly professional way. This from the kid who would call from college and start the conversation with "Mom I don't know how to tell you this" was it a ticket, a car accident, or a failing grade??? Now he is telling me what I should do and he is usually right!!

Casey, who'll be a senior at University of Wisconsin this year, started a restaurant food delivery business last year at school. He just left on a business trip today as he discusses a merger with a guy who owns 3 or 4 of these and now wants Casey's. Not bad for a sociology major. He stands 2 heads taller than me and never forgets to thank me or kiss me goodbye. He's kind and sensitive and so very articulate. They really are both men now...though I can't stop calling them my kids.

Marissa well she is not Daddy's little girl anymore at all. As she head off to college in just 3 short weeks I marvel at how independent she is and at the same time so connected to home and family. What these last few years has done to change her..more good than bad.

Then there is the first time you see them holding hands with someone of the opposite sex, the dating and mating thing ...it's the double take and the realization that they aren't those little smiling little kids in the backyard photos. (well neither am I am that young Mom) They have their own lives now, a little more each day.

Marissa, Nick and Casey in Maui June 2008

2008-07-27T14:05:00.000-07:00

Before and Now

2008-07-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

Quite a few months ago when I mentioned to a friend that I had gone out on a week night to a political lecture she commented on how she wished she could do that. But her husband wanted/needed her home each night. When I replied that this was not not something I probably would have done when Michael was alive either, her response was "well isn't that a good thing about him dying?" I have to admit there are many things I might be doing now that I didn't do before June 23, 2007, but putting the words good and Michael dying in one sentence is just too much for me. But as I go back or rather as I look forward on the coming months and years I do indeed look at the list of things I am doing that I would not have done had Michael been still here.

I just returned from a 2 day golf tournament in North San Diego, I spent two nights away in the middle of the week. My life is kind of divided into those things I do now because I can choose to do them,

overnight golf trips
political lectures
remodeling the upstairs
traveling
remodeling Oregon Beach House
volunteering on Hadassah Committees
letting the dog on the bed and in the pool

and things I do now because I am alone

fall asleep with the TV on
skip meals
avoid romantic movies/books/plays
sleep in the middle of the bed
talk to myself
worry about my decisions
sign up for focus groups
get out of bed at the crack of dawn

not that women who aren't widows don't do these things or that I didn't do some of them before...I just do them all more now. There seems to be this line that divides everything. A sort of before and now. Even more difficult is that creeping sensation that there is enjoyment is one of those things. There is still the guilt of enjoying. I imagine it will be quite some time before it goes.

Well Here Goes

2008-07-21T17:02:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me this past weekend what I did for a living and I was stumped. I hesitated for a second and then said, "I think I am retired." You see today was my last day at work, at my job. It was a part time job at that but I had been there seven years, creating the position of oncology nurse educator at weSPARK. I worked 15 years caring for cancer patients as an RN and with Micheal's death from brain cancer last June and all the deaths at work..well it was time to not be needed.
Marissa my 17 year old daughter leaves for college at the University of Colorado Boulder August 19. (Go Buffs) We could go deep into the empty nest stuff if indeed my nest was empty, but it is not. Nick, my oldest is living at home. But things are changing and way to fast for me and not at all as I planned. Back to the decision; the choice to leave now. I mean people asking me most of last year "why are you still working around cancer patients".

After losing Michael, my partner,my husband and suddenly becoming something I had not chosen; a widow, a single woman. I was not ready to give up my identity as a nurse. Something I loved, something I was good at and felt good doing. Now I am at least prepared to try, try and explore and discover who this new person is just as Marissa heads out to discover herself so too will I begin discover.

Maybe I made it out to sound a little too spiritual. The truth is I am going to get Marissa settled at school, travel and play golf and travel some more. The clinical term could be self care but I am learning about this widow thing day by day and ugly month by ugly month and yes I confess I am looking forward to not being needed so much.